The first person I loved in that sense didn’t love me back. He now is married with a baby.
Normally, I don’t count him as my first love because it was unrequited. I count Ryan, because he’s really the first one I’ve loved with ALL of me, and he loves me just the same. My and Ryan’s love is true, easy, and comfortable. Simple as that.
As for my first kiss. Well, lol. His name is Brandon and we are still friends to this day. But the boy kissed like an overly-enthused fish. And we didn’t even use tongue! He was just slobber-happy. And he always had Dorito breath. Hahaha. How awkward.
It’s kind of disturbing to me that I have to be the one to say, “Well, everyone dies. It’s not something that can be prevented.”
Even more so when I have to say it to my mother.
My dad isn’t good at comforting her and she can’t take care of herself so it’s placed on me. And this may sound selfish, but I’m just the kid.
Why does the kid have to carry everyone’s burdens for them? I thought it was the other way around…
And not just on the subject of death, either. Everything.
Yes, they are splitting. I get it. I understand and I can deal with it. I’ve expected it for years. But I just…I’m not quite ready to talk to my mom about which man would be most suitable for her to be with after my dad. I mean, how could she expect me to be comfortable with that? And frankly, it pisses me off when I can’t do anything that I want because my mom wants to go out with him all the fucking time, completely unconcerned about anything else, about me being constantly left alone at the house with only my thoughts.
I want to be here for both of my parents for anything that I can be. I’ve always been able to be there for them to talk to, to confide in regardless of my age. We’ve always been on the same page. They raised me up to be a self-sufficient, mature adult. And I suppose we all know it developed very early in me. They do have close friends of their own to talk to. But still, I guess I’m looped in that circle at times. Unwittingly so.
But it really is trying at times when certain things are said to me and I just can’t deal with them. No matter what my mental capacity is, I am still just a teenager. A teenager caught in the middle who is just as lost as everyone else.
I’ve been feeling it building up inside of me lately and all of the chaotic feelings are on the verge of exploding out of me. I just need a break.